bismiAllah hir Rahman nir Raheem Role of parents towards their children in a society that does not help in raising children properly A very common problem seen in youth in western countries is that their parents allow them to indulge in some form of haram in the hope that that will stop them from committing worse haram. An example of this is that parents will say that they allow their children to indulge in music in the hope that that will stop them from going out with bad people or leaving their home all together. Parents are afraid that if they enforce the law of Allah in their homes, that their children will leave. What is Islam’s position on this sort of compromise? Some parents also say that they only have the duty to tell their children something is haram, and then their children have to choose for themselves because they are already young adults (i. e. 13 -18 yrs old and unmarried, living at home). Don’t the parents have to forbid haram by all means, or do they just say that is haram and then leave them be? To what extent do parents have to go to forbid their children from haram? Parents also believe that once their children reach the age of puberty they are no longer responsible for their sins or actions, and so say they will have no sin if they advise their children something is haram and then leave them. Is this true? Or do parents always have the responsibility of forbidding their children from haram, and will they be responsible if they see their children doing haram and just leave them after advising them?. Praise be to Allaah. Firstly: The success or failure of the Muslim in raising his children depends on a variety of factors, which undoubtedly includes the environment in which they live, which plays a major role in the success or failure of that upbringing. Please see the answer to question no. 52893. Secondly: The parents have to understand that Allaah has given them responsibility over their children, and they have to fulfil the trust as Allaah has enjoined in the Qur’aan. The Sunnah also confirms this command in many saheeh ahaadeeth. The texts of the Revelation also warn the one who does not look after his lock sincerely and who neglects the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him. It was narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yasaar al-Muzani said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “There is no person whom Allaah puts in charge of others, and when he dies he is insincere to his subjects, but Allaah will forbid Paradise to him. ” According to another report: “… and he is insincere towards them, but he will not smell the fragrance of Paradise. ” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6731) and Muslim (142). See the answer to question no. 20064. Thirdly: Allaah has enjoined those who are in charge of children to raise them from when they are very small to obey Allaah and love Islam. Even though they are not accountable because they have not reached puberty, one should not wait until puberty to teach them, guide them and tell them to obey Allaah, because in most cases at that age (i. e. puberty) they will not respond unless they have been brought up in this manner and have learned it from their families since a young age. Hence parents are enjoined to teach young children how to pray from the age of seven and to smack them if they do not pray when they are ten. The Sahaabah used to make their young children fast, so as to get them used to loving Islam and its rituals, so that it would be easy for them to follow its commands and keep away from the things it forbids when they grow up. It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Teach your children to pray when they are seven years old, and smack them if they do not do so when they are ten, and separate them in their beds. ” Abu Dawood (495), classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood. It was narrated that al-Rubayyi’ bint Mu’awwidh ibn ‘Afra’ said: On the morning of ‘Ashoora’, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sent word to the villages of the Ansaar around Madeenah, saying: “Whoever started the day fasting, let him complete his fast, and whoever started the day not fasting, let him complete the rest of the day (without food). ” After that, we used to fast on this day, and we would make our children fast too, even the little ones in sha Allaah. We would make them toys out of wool, and if one of them cried for food, we would give (that toy) to him until it was time to break the fast. Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1960) and Muslim (1136). Just as they raise them to do acts of worship, they should also prevent them from doing haraam things. If the child does an act of worship, the reward will be for him and for the one who taught him and encouraged him to do it. As for doing acts of disobedience or sins, the minor does not sin, rather the one who enabled him to do it and left the door open for him to do it and did not close it, is sinning. As for the one who tells him to do it, he is like the one who did it. Hence it is not something extreme at all if a Muslim raises his children to obey Allaah and prevents them from doing haraam things, such as males wearing gold or silk, or females wearing male clothing, or lying, stealing, swearing and other sins. Similarly, it is not something extreme if a Muslim raises his daughter to be modest and chaste and not to mix, because if a person gets used to something when he is young, there is the fear that he may persist in it. Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Even though the child is not accountable, his guardian is, and it is not permissible for him to enable him to do something haraam, for he will get used to it and it will be difficult to wean him from it. Tuhfat al-Mawdood bi Ahkaam al-Mawlood (p. 162). And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The one who neglects to teach his child that which will benefit him and leaves him with no care has done a very bad deed. The corruption of most children is due to their parents and their neglect of (their children), because they neglect to teach them the obligations and Sunnahs of Islam. So they neglected them when they were small, and (the children) turned out unable to benefit themselves or to benefit their parents when they are old. Tuhfat al-Mawdood, p. 229 The scholars of the Standing Committee were asked: With regard to my small children, should I teach them the etiquette of Islam and make the young girls wear Islamic clothes, or this regarded as extremism? If my doing this is correct, what is the evidence for it from the Qur’aan and Sunnah? They replied: What you have mentioned about making girls wear loose and concealing clothing and making them get used to that from a young age is not extremism, rather you are doing the right thing in giving them an Islamic upbringing. Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz, Shaykh ‘Abd al-Razzaaq ‘Afeefi, Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Ghadyaan. Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (25/285, 286). In his book Majmoo’ah As’ilah Tuhimm al-Usrah al-Muslimah, Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The scholars say that it is haraam to dress a child in clothes that it is haraam for an adult to wear. Clothing on which there are images is haraam for an adult to wear, so it is also haraam for a child to wear it. What the Muslims should do is to boycott such clothes and shoes so that those who want to spread evil and corruption will not be able to reach us by these means. If they are boycotted they will never find a way to make them reach this land. After that, he was asked: Is it permissible for male children to wear things that are only for females, such as gold and silk, etc, and vice versa? He replied: This is to be understood from the first answer. I said that the scholars say that it is haraam to dress a child in clothes that it is haraam for an adult to wear. Based on this, it is haraam to dress male children in that which is only for females, and vice versa. After that, he was asked: Does this include isbaal or making clothes come below the ankles for male children? He replied: Yes, it includes that. End quote. And Allaah knows best. http://www. islam-qa. com/en/ref/103526 Praise be to Allaah. There is no greater calamity than that which befalls one’s religious commitment. That is true calamity. We ask Allaah to keep us safe from it. Nothing is more precious to a person – after his own self – than his child. Children are the apples of our eyes. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And those who say: ‘Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqoon (the pious)’” [al-Furqaan 25:74] But the heart cannot find true joy except through righteous offspring. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: “This joy means seeing one’s wife, brother and close friend obeying Allaah. Tuhfat al-Mawdood by Ibn al-Qayyim, p. 424. Undoubtedly the most important thing that is asked of parents is to protect their children and take care of them, to bring them up to worship and obey Allaah and to keep them away from disobeying Him. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) …” [al-Tahreem 66:6] Mujaahid and others of the salaf said: Advise your families to fear Allaah and discipline them. Qataadah said: Tell them to obey Allaah and forbid them to disobey Him. In al-Saheehayn it is narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler who is in charge of the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s household and is responsible for her flock. A servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for his flock. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. ” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2554; Muslim, 1829. This hadeeth indicates that the one who is accountable will be brought to account for any shortcomings in those who are under his authority and under his care. The hadeeth states that parents are included in the general principle: “A man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s household and is responsible for her flock. So the parents are responsible for their children, because they have been commanded to strive to protect them from the Fire and to follow the commands of Allaah and to avoid the things that He has forbidden. If the parents do that which has been enjoined upon them, namely giving the children a sound upbringing and not falling short in that, then there is no sin on them if their children go astray. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another” [al-An’aam 6:164] If a person understands Islam clearly and has an ounce of common sense, he will understand that if he neglects his duty of guiding and teaching his children, then he is responsible for any deviation that they fall into. The responsibility of families who live in the west towards their children is of another kind that is even greater than that, because they are responsible for throwing the apple of their eyes into the sea bound and tied. It is even worse than that, it is the Fire and torment of Allaah. We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound. In the case of your son, and many others, you should have closed the door to temptation before things got out of control. In Islam there is no such thing as friendship between a man and a woman who is not his mahram, especially at this dangerous stage of your son’s life. But the important question now is: what to do about it? You and his father have to act quickly to get your son away from these sinful relationships and cut off all ties with non-mahram women, even if you know that these relationships have not reached the level of zina. As we have stated, these relationships are not allowed in Islam in principle. One of the most important means of getting him away from these haraam relationships may be to protect him by means of marriage. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “O young men, whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so, and whoever cannot, let him fast, for it will be shield for him. ” Agreed upon. What is meant by it being a shield is that it will protect him from falling into sin. But you know that keeping young men away from such haraam relationships is no easy matter; it may be almost impossible in the country in which you are living, because the western environment in which the hearts and minds of this generation have grown up is completely contaminated with every kind of temptation and whims and desires, temptations which surround the second and third generations of Muslims there, generations which are losing touch, day after day, with the symbols and laws of Islam, and imbibing instead the values and attitudes of the west, until there is nothing left but the “blessing” of their background? I ask you again: Are you serious about following the command of Allaah, and do you really fear betraying the trust towards your own soul first of all, then towards your offspring? Do you have the desire to set things straight? Do you have any motive to sacrifice the worldly pleasures and comforts of the west and bring your children back to your own land, or go to a place where your religious commitment will be safer, before it is too late and death comes when you are in this state, then one may say: “‘My Lord! Send me back, so that I may do good in that which I have left behind! ’ No! It is but a word that he speaks; and behind them is Barzakh (a barrier) until the Day when they will be resurrected” [al-Mu’minoon 23:99-100]; before we see the outcome of our deeds, i. e. , the consequences: “On the Day the event is finally fulfilled (i. e. the Day of Resurrection), those who neglected it before will say: ‘Verily, the Messengers of our Lord did come with the truth, now are there any intercessors for us that they might intercede on our behalf? Or could we be sent back (to the first life of the world) so that we might do (good) deeds other than those (evil) deeds which we used to do? ’ Verily, they have lost their ownselves (i. e. destroyed themselves) and that which they used to fabricate (invoking and worshipping others besides Allaah) has gone away from them” [al-A’raaf 7:99]. Or does this responsibility not deserve such a sacrifice? You may say that most of the Muslim lands nowadays are filled with temptations and evils, so we will never find the right atmosphere to raise our children in an Islamic way, so what would be the point of making this move? The answer is: Yes, you are right to a great extent, but even if we cannot achieve all the good things, we should do as much as we can; if we cannot ward off all evils we should ward off as much as we can; and some evils are less serious than others. All that is needed is to be sincere with oneself. Allaah has indeed spoken the truth: “Nay! Man will be a witness against himself, 15. Though he may put forth his excuses (to cover his evil deeds)” [al-Qiyaamah 75:14-15] May Allaah help us and you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.