Taking Chemistry by Storm

As a freshman in college I was among many who were not “hard science” majors.

Although science classes were required regardless of major, several sections were set aside for those of us not scientifically inclined. Chemistry 101(a) was one such course, and although it had a less-rigorous laboratory component, it was still, to our collective dismay, College Chemistry. If that was the good news, the bad news was it was taught by the Chairman of the Chemistry Department. “Doctor Doom” as he was less-than-affectionately known was a virtual dead-ringer for the actor Jack Webb of “Dragnet” fame.With tightly cropped hair, square jaw and booming voice he was nothing less than a drill sergeant in a white lab coat. The Chemistry Department lecture hall was a huge stadium-style auditorium in the depths of the building.

All 200-plus of us would silently fill the room, with the front rows sparingly filled by either the hearing or sight impaired or those Chemistry Majors who couldn’t get into the “regular” class. If anyone believed there was safety in numbers Dr. Doom’s lecture hall classes dispelled that myth.Unfortunately for us, Dr. Doom was able to memorize the seating chart within a week and from that point on no one was unknown to him or immune from his questions.

There were two prevailing theories on why he taught the class instead of regular faculty or graduate students. Some believed he did it out of the belief that only he could identify the potential scientist out of the mass of aspiring psychology, English Lit and history majors. Others believed, quite correctly as we were to learn, that he knew he was the only one with the patience and ability to teach such an unwilling lot of students.Nonetheless, as the weeks went by few, if any of us could really warm up to the subject and slowly, by degrees Dr.

Doom was beginning to exhibit signs of frustration at our academic stupor. Soon attendance was visibly decreasing day-by-day and it appeared Dr. Doom was reluctantly “lowering the bar” of what he expected from a class that confused the Table of Elements with the Table of Contents. Soon it became apparent to all that it was going to be a very long and difficult semester. Little did any of us realize that our dismal situation would be changed, literally by a bolt out of the blue.One unseasonably bright afternoon—the Chemistry classes for “scientists” were held early; I think they realized the rest of us were late-risers—we filed down into the lecture hall regretting we were about to waste the next ninety minutes of our lives inside instead of enjoying the unusual weather.

The lecture hall was so deeply set in the building that only a few small sunbeams from reflecting sky-lights reminded us of the glorious day we were missing. Fortunately it was also too deeply embedded for us to hear any of the sounds of our fellow students frolicking outside the building.Within a few minutes the tiny beams of dazzling light began to disappear. A general uneasiness began to be felt by all of us, and then the low rumbling of thunder became apparent, felt more than heard. Undaunted by the elements, Dr.

Doom plodded on. He had such a commanding voice that he never used the hall’s PA system. In order to ease the growing tension he dryly remarked to the effect that “perhaps the weather will mandate amplification of my quiet voice. ” A nervous laughter was quickly swallowed by a crash of thunder and lightning so close it actually flashed through the meager skylights.

Suddenly the lights flickered on-off-on again. The thunder became incredible. The wind became a low intermittent howl. Students began fidgeting, some collecting their books with the intent to leave. Dr. Doom was now facing well over one hundred very distracted and frightened students.

“Alright, everyone, let’s stay calm,” he said as he took off his glasses and walked from behind the lab table/podium. “If this storm is as bad as it sounds we are in just about the best place on campus to sit it out. I want you all to relax a little bit; this will blow over just as soon as it came in.I’m going to my office for a moment. ” With that everyone relaxed a bit; although many were truly frightened by the ferocity of it all, most were glad for a reprieve from a lecture.

Soon Dr. Doom returned with two graduate students in tow, one carrying a large flashlight and the other carrying a huge barometer. As they filed in behind him, Dr. Doom—usually very humorless—smiled at the class and said “the nice thing about having graduate students is they make excellent lightning rods. If this storm keeps up we’ll send them outside with a kite and a key on the kite-string.

”The class laughed heartily, partly in surprise and partly in relief. Once the laughter died down he became serious. “I checked with our weather people and from what they tell me the worst is still to come. The campus is under a severe storm warning and a tornado watch. As I mentioned, and as you all probably know, the safest area in such weather is in the basement, away from windows. This lecture hall is perfect, and—”nodding to the grad students, “—this is the reason Andy and Michelle are cowering in here with us! ”“Now, let’s try and have some fun and learn a few things at the same time.

Anybody know what barometric pressure is? ” He became more animated than we had ever seen. He explained barometric pressure and then went on, asking for examples of how to measure weather, using his grad students as “straights” to his unfolding comedy. “First we’ll give them the easy part, to measure a baseline of the current barometric pressure. Once they get that done, we’ll turn our attention to some field work. As you can easily see, Andy outweighs Michelle by a good deal.

I know I should never ask a lady that question, but I can scientifically deduce she’s about one hundred pounds. Andy, as you can see, is probably double that, am I right? ” Both grad students grinned as the class became engrossed in his routine. “Okay, class, I’m going to send them both outside now. ” He pulled a battered golf umbrella out from under the lab table and handed it the grad students, who grimaced in staged panic and Dr.

Doom started to furiously diagram on his chalkboard. “Let’s assume a standard wind velocity of eighty miles per hour.We’ll place them outside for a period of five minutes. Now, at the end of the five minute period, you observe that both have been blown over, and Michelle has moved approximately twenty feet and Andy has moved approximately five feet. Now I realize this is more physics than chemistry, but what can you extrapolate from these facts? ” Dr. Doom now had everyone’s smiling attention and several hands went up with various theories regarding the “given facts”.

He went from beckoning hand to hand, answering “Good point, Mr. Adams, but not quite” and “well, that’s a good idea Ms. Dunkin, but not quite what I was looking for. ”Finally the hands were answered and he said “anyone else? No? OK, then, good answers. But what you can really deduce from these facts is that desperate graduate students will carry out any hair-brained experiment from their nutty professor in order to curry favor. Now, let’s check the barometric pressure again.

” He gave the class a wink and we roared load enough to drown out the thunder, and the following week attendance was back to what it was the first week of class.