Nor did she expect the two-year old, also sitting there, to fling her plate of food to the floor. "I was a very quiet, very English woman," she says earnestly. "I had never uttered one swear word so I had no idea how to react. I just looked at these kids and thought to myself 'How on earth will I ever be able to handle being a foster parent?'.
"Now 11 years and 15 foster kids later, 50-year-old Nikki is used to the screaming, she is no longer shocked by the swearing, and she knows exactly how to handle flying dinners. "They can pick it up off the floor or go hungry," she says, hardened determination marking her usually jovial face. "You can't give in to them. A lot of these kids have been through the most terrible ordeals," she explains. Five of the seven kids Nikki is currently housing have been taken from abusive, alcoholic or drug addicted parents. "They have an enormous lack of self-worth, so usually their behavior is an attempt to provoke the foster parent into saying 'I hate you too' so they feel justified in their own opinion of themselves.
I know, I've been there myself."Although almost 40 years have passed, memories of her own years spent as a foster child in London remain clear in Nikki's memory. "If I close my eyes it feels like it was only yesterday," she says, biting her lip as she talks of the verbal, physical and sexual abuse she endured at the hands of various "parents" with whom she was placed. Abandoned at birth, Nikki had been through five abusive homes by the age of 11. As she talks of her foster kids and her personal aims as a carer, she also recalls her own lost childhood.
"It's a blur of excruciatingly long nights I spent wide awake, terrified that another man would slip under the bedclothes with me," she says. "One day I just thought if that was what life was going to be like than I would rather be dead."Looking back, Nikki marvels at her own determination and courage that set her free from the cycle of abuse that had trapped her for so long. "I put an ad in the paper asking for a new family," she chuckles. Her amusement, however, quickly turns to bitterness as she recalls the desperation and helplessness that drove her to take such action. "I went to so many people for help and it was like slamming up against a series of brick walls.
No one believed me when I told them how I was being treated, so it was up to me to do something about it."While the notion of looking for new parents through the classifieds may seem far-fetched, Nikki's ad was certainly successful, attracting five responses. "I took three weeks off school to check them all out and ended up with a lovely couple that I still regard as my parents," she says. The story of her initiative still amazes her own sons Nicolas, 17, Christian, 15 and Yannik, 13. "Mum was younger than me when she did that," says Yannik. "I think it was pretty brave of her.
It takes guts to do something like that."Her own kids are not the only ones to marvel at Nikki's strength. Foster children, sisters Rebecca*, 15 and Nicole*, 13, find her story a great source of comfort. "It's good because she knows how frustrated we feel sometimes," says Rebecca.
Although the girls have been with Nikki for over a decade only see their parents twice a year, they say it's still hard living in Nikki's house. "Even though we're part of the family here, it doesn't change the fact that our own parents can't be bothered to look after us," says Rebecca. "They say no one can love you like your parents so sometimes we feel that no one loves us at all and it's just hard like that," she says. Nicole agrees admitting frustrated tantrums are far from infrequent. "Nikki helps us laugh about it all though," she says.
"Even though I was too young to remember, there's this funny story about me and shepards pie she always tells us."As Nikki's first foster kids, Rebecca and Nicole have seen a further 13 kids arrive, some of who have been transferred and five of which have stayed on to join the family. They both agree that Nikki is a rare find. "She's pretty cool to do all of it," says Nicole.
"Most carers wouldn't. I mean I thought the two of us alone were a handful, but some of the others have been worse than 'Silence of the Lambs'."Although devoted to helping foster children, Nikki now finds herself in a position where she has to refuse them entry to her home. With seven foster kids already and three children of her own, resources, not to mention patience levels, are already stretched thin.
"It would be hard with 10 normal kids, but in a household where seven children from different dysfunctional families are dealing with their own issues and spending time with their own parents, tempers often get frayed," she says, voicing her frustration that spending quality time with each child is an impossibility. Her sons agree. "Sometimes I wish they would all go away so we didn't have to share Mum so much," says Christian. "But it's something Mum really loves doing, plus there isn't anyone else to take them."Nikki is one of 1500 foster carers in Queensland and while this may sound like a large enough number, with 6000 kids needing placement per year, stable accommodation is getting increasingly harder to find. Barry Rowland, an alternative care worker from the Department of Families says that while a lot of people may be interested in the job, not many go on to actually fill it.
The criteria for becoming a foster parent are far from strict, detailing only that applicants have no criminal or domestic violence record. There's not even a strict age limit. "We've had people from 24 up to 72 come and apply to be carers and at this stage, we're really in no position to be turning people away if they meet the main criteria," Rowland says explaining less than half those who express interest in caring actually go on to become foster parents."It's an exhausting job and while the emotional rewards may be endless, the monetary ones certainly aren't," he says. In Queensland, foster parents are allowed less than $20 a day to look after each child, regardless of age and stage of development.
Though this may seem like a meager amount, it is on par with, and in some cases, surpasses the allowances given in other Australian states. Nikki for one thinks it is ridiculous. "I challenge any parent to look after a child on $20 a day," she protests. She says it is her belief that the state budget allocation to alternative care was far too small.
While money is certainly a major factor contributing to the steady decline in foster parents, Rowland says there are deeper issues which are now causing already established foster parents to give up "We have families that have looked after over 300 kids suddenly giving it all up because it's just becoming much too difficult," he says, explaining that other factors include the emotional issues foster parents inevitably have to deal with, and the impact they can often have on family units. Though Nikki can identify with all of these difficulties, she is poignantly aware of the affect foster parenting can have on a family. She says her family has certainly suffered as a result of her devotion to foster kids. "Well it was the ruination of my marriage and without a doubt it has an impact on my relationship with my own kids," she says.Despite being recognised above other states for an excellent foster care program, Rowland says Queensland is heading into a foster crises.
"We can't just keep stuffing more kids into homes that are already accommodating six or seven foster children," he says, adding that this is how things are currently working. "These kids are our future. They are bundled with emotional issues that are beyond most people's comprehension so they need a lot of love and a lot of understanding. This is something they just can't get if they are shoved in with 10 others like them.
" Though Nikki agrees, she believes the problem needs to be tackled from another angle. She says that the focus needs to shift onto trying to keep families together rather than taking kids into care. "We need to take a whole new approach because we just won't get a flood of people suddenly wanting to be carers. If I had my time over, I'd adopt rather than foster because these days there are just too many factors against you."While Rowland talks of new strategies on the drawing board, designed to encourage people to consider foster parenting, he says until they are put into action, Nikki, and others like her will be the saving grace of foster care in Queensland. At this Nikki smiles somewhat tiredly and as the minibus holding her ten kids pulls into the driveway she says she is expecting another two sisters to arrive into her care next week.
"It's only a temporary arrangement," she says. "But perhaps I should invest in a set of plastic plates...just in case
