Typical Tourist You, too, can enjoy that relaxed lifestyle by following these few simple rules on your way to becoming a typical tourist. 1. Dress like a tourist. A. Wear loud shorts, bright shirts, double-knit slacks, and flip-flop thong sandals.

B. Choose clip-on, flip-up sunglasses and a florescent colored money belt. C. Pack personalized tee-shirts and caps. II.

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Buy a camera and take pictures. A. Quality is unimportant so a cheap camera will do. B. Don't bother to focus.

C. Don't worry about what you subject matter is. III. Share the experience by bringing home souveniers. A. You can buy some. B. You can also collect "free items" IV.

Be tactless. A. Drive slowly and ignore road signs and traffice patterns. B. Ask irrelevant questions.

C. Talk loudly and make fun of locals. D. Go everywhere. E.

Demand typical American food in restaurants. How to Be a Typical Tourist From southern Florida's sunny beaches to the chilly tundra of Alaska, in the outback of in the outback of Australia or in the bustling streets of Paris, London, Chicago, Tokyo, and Chicago, tourists are a group of people seemingly unburdened by the cares of routine life. Perhaps you've seen tourists in your own town and have envied their informal, carefree way of life. You, too, can enjoy that relaxed lifestyle by following these few simple rules on your way to becoming a typical tourist. First, in order to be a true tourist, you must dress like a tourist.

Go ahead; dig out those loud, tacky Fermuda shorts; brightly colored shirts; double-knit slacks; and flip-flop thong sandals. Add a touch of class with a pair of clip-on, flip-up sunglasses and the latest rage, a flourescent-colored money belt. To personaliqe your touring wardrobe, consider packing tee-shirts or caps that make a proud statement such as "I visited the History of Mustard Museum at Gofer Point, North Dakota"; I cooled off in Barrow, Alaska"; or "I hiked the Grand Canyon." People will be impressed by these shirts, and you won't need to tell them about the helicopter the rangers had to call to haul you back out of the canyon. Next, if you don't already own a camera, you will need to purchase one. A camera will become one of the of the most valuable tools in your glove compartment. After all, do you really expect your neighbors to believe that you actually saw the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile on Interstate 55 unless you have a snapshot to prove it? To be a typical tourist, it is not a requirement that you be an accomplished photographer, so any cheap camera will serve nicely.

In fact, quality is quite unimportant in tourist photography. don't bother to focus; you might miss the moment. Ablurry picture, a thumb in the foreground, the unidentified hiker in a sunset picture--these and other "mistakes" will only add to the character of your photo collection. Just as quality is of little concern, content is also irrelevant. It doesn't matter what you take pictures of as long as you can make up a good story to explain the significance of the photo to the people back home. In fact, favorite slide presentations of seasoned travelers in my family have included shots of highway signs, unusual trees, grazing cattle, and other tourists who shared a treasured moment at a toll road rest area.

On a recent trip, my mother became fascinated with the unusual markings left on a car by an obviously large bird, and she brought home a photo for the rest of us to see. Be sure you don't miss the exceptional photo opportunities if your vacation involves air travel. You will want to at least snap three photographs: one at takeoff, one of the clouds while you are in the air, and one to capture your excitement upon reaching your destination. It is also typical to catch at least the tip of the plane's wing in these shots. As a typical tourist, you will also find the purchase of souveniers a valuable means by which to share the joys of your travels with the homebodies.

Bring cousin Ted a seashell flamingo from Florida and watch his eyes light up. Your kid sister will be overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness and generosity when you present her with the back scratcher you bought for $5.95 from the vendor at Niagara Falls. Or you might think of your favorite uncle and whip out another traveler's check to buy the shirt that reads, "My nephew went to Beaver Crossing, Nebraska and all I got was this crummy tee-shirt". However, it is not always necessary to spend a lot of your hard-earned cash to bring home memories of your travels. Many tourist have found wonderful use for such "free" items as motel bath towels, ash trays, stationery, and sundry toiletries. While traveling in Poland, I collected two of the crusty little buns that appeared with breakfast each morning, and they now sit on my dresser as more or less permanent mementoes of my summer in Europe. Colorful rocks, unusually shaped splinters of wood, and bottles of sand from the ocean all qualify as typical tourist collectors' items.

No matter what treasure you pack on the return trip, you will find that most souveniers have two common qualifying factors--they have little or no monetary value and they are guaranteed to collect dust back home. Finally, be sure to leave tact behind as you start out on you journey. This is essential if you want to fit in with the top-notch typical tour- ist. Assume that everyone you meet has as much spare time as you do. Drive slowly, drinking in all the sights.

Pay no attention to road signs and local traffic patterns. Ask a thousand irrelevant questions and make small talk in the check-out line at the gas station. Talk loudly, joke obnoxiously, and poke fun at the 'unusual' accents and customs of the locals. Be exceedingly inquisitive and explore everything--abandoned houses, churches and cathedrals, land beyond the "No Trespassing" signs-- and tell anyone who questions you that you're from out of town and you're just looking for the rest rooms. If you are traveling in a culture different from your own, restaurants are great places to show your individuality through unrestrained whining.

Before looking at the menu, ask for common American foods like hamburgers, french fries, or maybe catfish filets. Whine about having to pay for bottled water with your meal and mumble comments like, "Taco Bell back home serves their refried beans with cheese." Perish the thought that you might explore some new taste experience in a foreign country. With these small alterations to your normally polite and dignified nature, you will be fast on your way to joining the ranks of the typical tourist.